Enough Is Enough

Let me tell you a little story. I was exiting my building the other day, when I saw a man with a baby carriage and a bunch of bags struggling into the foyer (completely by-the-by: foyer is one of my favorite words, even though I'm a little unclear on how one should pronounce it in order to avoid sounding like a douche). My response was, obviously, that I should hold the door open for him, because clearly he had some sort of Daddy Day Care situation goin' on. I generally hold doors for most people, of course not counting potential rapists or burglars (whom I can easily identify by eye - they all look something like this), but I have to admit, I kind of expected this dude to be extra grateful, given how frazzled and out-of-control he seemed. So, there I was, holding the door, giving my best "Have a nice day! I am a friendly person!" smile. What do I get from this dude? An angry face, prolonged hostile eye contact, and not a "thank you" to be heard! I mean, what is this, Russia? Let me tell you, Comrade Jerkface, in America it's not an insult to be helped out/looked at by a woman, and angry stares and grunts are not considered appropriate signals of gratitude. (My beef with Russia is as thick and juicy as a Porterhouse, and will have to be sidelined until a later date. Let me just say here - those people know what they did. Someday I will have my revenge.) This may not seem like much of an incident, but it was the tipping point. I have made a decision - from now on, I am NOT going to be nice to strangers.

OK, OK, I know what you're thinking - Hattie, you've got problems with everyone and their moms! Barely a day goes by that you're not criticizing some individual or group for something (always with completely justified reasons, but still)! And sure, I hate on girls who wear tights instead of pants, and people who can't use stairs, and the millions of sad lonely women who write Jane Austen fan-porn, but I'm just not the kind of person who would actually go up and punch them in the ovaries, as much as I might want to. I'm one of those gals who will complain about getting terrible service at a restaurant to everyone at the table, but still leave a 15-20% tip. Call it what you will (cowardice? bitchiness? I honestly don't know) that's just the way I be pimpin'. So when I tell a story in which I administer a good hearty Chuck-Norris-beatdown to some crackhead who spat in my face, in reality I probably just mumbled something like "That wasn't very nice" after he was out of earshot. (Creative license? Hells to the yeah.) However, clearly this whole being nice/non-confrontational with strangers thing has met its match. Yes, I'm talking to you, Mister Rude-Dad-in-my-Building. You have hereby turned me into a sociopath.

My model for this new lifestyle is the genius behind dontevenreply.com ("Emails from an asshole"). This site is based on the concept of finding relatively stupid-sounding Craigslist ads and then emailing these people with crazy and occasionally racist/sexist responses, purely to f*** with them. For no reason at all. This is the kind of active embrace of sociopath-hood (sociopathy? sociopathism?) that I would like to achieve, for the following reasons:
1) It's clearly more fun than having strangers crap on you.
2) Haven't you ever heard of a pre-emptive strike? (Not where you thought I was going with that reference, was it? I'm f***ing with you already!)
3) As you can already tell, it allows me to up my curse wordage TO THE MAX. I think cursing is the greatest thing to happen to the world (except possibly this) so any strategy that allows me to cuss the live-long day away is OK by me. 
4) I see a real possibility that if I continue with this strategy I will get to bitchslap someone, which I bet is super duper satisfying. [EDIT: IT IS!!!]

I can't think of a good way to end this post, so I will just attempt to modulate all the anger with this:

AWWWWWW.

OK, that is all. My assault on the world begins now. (If you don't get the reference, we can no longer be friends.)