The March Cake, Part I: The Set-Up

Hello dear reader(s) and a Happy Monday to you, sir or madam. I hope you are all excited because this week we're going to be doing things a little differently. Allow me to a-splain.

A few weeks ago I was strongarmed into had the pleasure of making a cake for my brother's 15th birthday. Now if you know me already (in the real-people world, not in the literary or biblical sense), you probably know that I have a...problem. Okay, just say it, Hare, it's not that bad, it's not...okay...the thing is...I...am...a...compulsive baker. Wow, I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders! I've been waiting so long to say that out loud and-okay shut up, shut up now, be serious. Serious times.

Truthfully, I am a compulsive baker, meaning that when I'm stressed rather than squeeze a little ball or go for jog, I make chocolate chip cookies. Or brownies. Or pie. You get the idea. This can get out of hand if I'm by myself since I really don't need an entire peach cobbler most of the time, but my roommates/friends/strangers passing by seem to appreciate it, and really on the scale of neurosis it's pretty no harm/no foul. Moral of the story is that I bake a lot. Moving on.

A few weeks before my brother's birthday my mom and I were discussing what to do to celebrate, and she decided that what she really wanted to do was get him a cake from Colette. For those of you who don't watch too much Food Network, Colette Peters is a professional cake designer who makes things that look like this:

Which while very pretty and celebratory, is not something you can waltz in two weeks ahead of time and say GIVE IT TO ME. In fact, Collete's web site recommends at least one months notice for any order, which I pointed out to my mother as one of the main reasons why this dream was not destined to be a reality. BUT WAIT says mommy dearest, why don't YOU just make his cake? WHY NOT INDEED? Let's pause for a second. It's already been established that I do like to bake, and while trying to replicate a professional confectionery masterpiece might be fun times, doing it on a deadline, for an audience, in half as much time as a professional requires seemed a twee bit of a tall order. Okay, unpause. What I should've said was nothing. What I actually said was 'sure.' And...that's why I'm an idiot.

So now I've dug myself a hole out of which I cannot possibly climb because as everyone knows mom guilt is the strongest, most potent flavor of guilt and once I agreed there was no way I could go back to my mother and say 'Psych! Not gonna do it after all!' No. I was going to have to buck up and take it like a man; a man who makes ridiculously complicated cakes. (SIDE NOTE: I WANT ONE OF THOSE)

At this point I'm going to level with you and pull a Modest Molly: I am an amateur baker. [EDIT: Insert loud and protracted snort of disbelief/sarcasm from the Hatter here.] I can make things that are more complicated than could the average bum on the street (I'm guessing, as I've never asked a homeless man to make me a cake. New Life Goal!), but I'm nowhere near a professional. I don't even live in that neighborhood; I live downtown with all the actors slash models slash call girls. Barely talented, that's me. To prove it to you, here's an example of some cookies I made a while back, for reference:

[EDIT part deux: ...Those look like cookies a homeless person's DOG could make. You should be too ashamed to even post this picture... (Note sarcastimarks)] HOWEVER, just because I have to suffer crushing guilt and disgrace, is no reason you can't benefit! Right? OF COURSE RIGHT! And since we're no stranger to plumbing the depths of our awkward experiences for the blog, Hattie and I decided to chronicle the whole, messy, cake-making process in a five part series I am officially calling:

The March Cake: Operation Unrealistic Ambitions

Each day this week I'll post a few steps in the process of making this cake, so you can see how I did it, how I succeeded, and where I went wrong. It's a little bit of a departure from our usual biting wit and insightful commentary, I know, but I'll try and inject a little bit of punch and pizazz into the process as we go along. Hattie assures me that this is interesting to people, regardless of the fact that it makes my intestines burn with shame, and so we're going to try it. So tune in every day this week to see how the 15th Birthday Cakestravaganza is progressing!
Tomorrow: Conception and Heavy Machinery