Friday Is Trying To Kill Me Again

As it does every week, my friends. This week it has sunk to the new low of trying to do me in through physiological trauma, which in my opinion is way below the belt. Hit me with the sleepys, the worky works, fine, I can deal, but nausea and the spins? Not cool, Friday, not. cool. Especially when you consider the fact that I totally tried to beat the system by going to bed at 6PM last night and sleeping until 8AM this morning. You would think, would you not, that this would result in a fresh new outlook on life, a spring in my step and a song in my heart? WRONG. It resulted in sitting on the floor for 20 minutes trying not to throw up and pass out at the same time. Ugh ugh ugh, Fridays you are a cold-blooded mother. If it weren't for the bottle of Aleve that I used to keep in my bag (and currently keep in my stomach) I would probably have called it in, which would have been a shame because I am trying to save up my vacation days for something spectacular. Respect.

ANYWAYS.

Hmm...seeing as how I didn't really plan anything for today and seeing as how a brigade of Taiko drummers has established residence in my cranium, I think today is the perfect day for...

The March Hare's Top 5 Reality Shows I Don't Not Watch

Before we begin, point: I am neither confirming nor denying the suspicion that I watch reality TV. In general, ON PRINCIPLE, I am against the idea of plopping down a camera in the middle of whatever the hell might be going on and being like, viola! instant television gold. HOWEVER, if I were to watch 'unscripted' television, these would be the shows that I would theoretically be watching. That's all I'm saying.

5. The Amazing Race

This is really Hattie's show (seriously, seriously), but I'm not going to deny the fact that I do enjoy it when it's on. I think it's the combination of random activities (my favorite kind), jettsetting (awesome), and scavenger hunts (aweseome) that appeals to me. I think that if activities in my regular life were structured more like a scaveneger hunt, I would be approximately 151% more productive. Example: instead of my boss saying 'Hare, make 15 copies of this document,' he would leave me a note on my desk with a cryptic message that led me to the copy room where I would have to use nothing but paperclips and my ingenuity to hotwire the copy machine. Then when I succeeded a secret door would open and out would fall a totally blank document which I would have to copy, revealing the secret message written in invisible ink. I'm going to file this under 'Elaborate (Business) Plans' for now, but I see a serious market opportunity.

4. Dancing With The Stars

Someone told me once that this is the most-watched show, or most-watched reality show, or something like that, and having watched exactly 1.5 episodes of it thus far I can totally believe it. Translation: I have been totally suckered in by this show. The judges are hi-larious, the costumes are ri-dunkulous, and the dance routines are really, really entertaining. Let's not lie: the main reason I started catching the replays on Hulu is that my boy Evan Lysacek is one of the 'stars' this season, and man he does not disappoint. Pop Quiz! So far Evan has a) stepped on his own feet; b) complained that he is getting dizzy because 'the spins go in the wrong direction and it confuses me'; c) pinched his incredibly Russian partner's cheeks (she was not amused); d) impersonated a spagetti noodle; e) all of the above. Read: won my heart all over again. That boy is doing his best impression of a human wind sock and it is working for him.

3. Flavor of Love

I remember the first time I saw Flavor of Love: I was visiting Hattie at college and it was christ o'clock in the morning and she was like, FLAVOR OF LOVE IS ON LET'S WATCH IT NOOOOOOW and I was like, wahuh? What are you talking about, crazy lady. And we watched it, and the rest is history. [EDIT: You're welcome.] I don't know if I can put my finger on what made this show great. Could it have been the inexplicable viking helmet Flavor Flav wore in the confessional? The jammin' personalized clocks he gave the girls who got to stay each week? The fact that he rechristened all the ladies as soon as they arrived with names like 'Hottie,' 'Bubbelz,' 'Miss Latin,' and 'Hoopz'? The ex/jealousy subplot with Brigitte Nielsen was definitely a high point, because you know Flavor and that girl had history.

2. RuPaul's Drag Race

Okay, okay, I'm going to level with you here. Drag Race is currently on our DVR queue. I know I said I don't necessarily 'tune in' to these shows, but I make an exception for Ru. As Hattie pointed out at the beginning of this season, when I introduced her to the show (you're welcome) this is basically the ANTM Tyra wishes she were on. And by that I mean, a show where there are pictures of her everywhere, all the songs are written and performed by her, and she gets to walk the runway for the judges each week so they can tell her how fabulous she is. Because that is how RuPaul rolls on RPDR, and RuPaul is MONEY. Now that my girls Jessica and Pandora have been eliminated (sad face, but we all saw that coming), I am pleased to announce that SUWA is officially endorsing Jujubee for next Drag Superstar.

1. Dance 360

My introduction to this show was pretty much a carbon copy of #3 but with different ingredients. [EDIT: You're 360 times as welcome. For you readers: I loved Dance 360 so much that at one point I had a dream in which I was a contestant but I forgot to tag my man and was therefore disqualified from winning the main prize: an XBOX 360!!!  Remembers, dear readers: always TAG YOUR MAN!] More delicious ingredients. I think I can just come right out and say that Dance 360 is the best reality show I have ever seen. It incorporates all the best elements of the worst television:

-production value of approximately $5 and one can of diet coke

-drunk/stoned/crazy coeds

-gimmicky catchphrases

-dance battle

-Kel (of Keenan and)

I'm not sure that there was anything you could've added to this magical mix of genius that would have improved it. It was pretty much 100% perfect as it was, and I still harbor an eternal flame of hope that one day when it's really late and we're watching reruns of Jeopardy at 2AM (don't judge) Hattie and I will casually flip the channel to an episode of Dance 360 and all will be right with the world. Enjoy: