Final Medal Count

Alas, dear reader(s), the time has come to say goodbye to the Winter Olympics 2010, "Please stop making fun of Canada" edition. The WO is probably one of my favorite things ever, so naturally I had a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat (eew? This always seemed like a weird concept to me. I don't know about you, but being sad doesn't give me spontaneous throat cancer. Yet) as I watched Vancouver's swansong last night. HOWEVER before I let the Olympic flame die (I know, I know, it doesn't ever die, they just pass it on, like herpes) let's all hop in the wayback machine and remember, in no particular order:

THE BEST AND WORST OF VANCOUVER 2010

Best Team Uniforms: Team USA, Snowboarding. Natch. For those of you unclear on this principle, let me break it down for you like Hammer: Snowboarding = Awesomesauciest Olympic Sport -> Snowboarding Team = Most Delicious Uniforms. Any questions? Good.

Uniforms Most Likely to Have Been Selected By Aunt Mildred: Team Canada, Closing Ceremonies. Seriously Canada? This is how you want to go out on your home turf? Look, it's fine with me if you want to sport some 'authentic Canadian attire' as you bid farewell on your native soil, so long as you're prepared to be swirlied every day after second period. It's up to you.

Badassiest Team: Team USA, Night Train. I was pretty sure that these guys were going to get some gold, because even if they weren't the fastest sled, they were probably just going to eat the rest of the competition and take their medals. Because that's how Nighttrain rolls. Make way for the train! Woowoooooooo!

Team That Is Now On Notice: South Korea, Speed Skating. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. OVER AND OVER. You just only managed to get caught once. Cheaters. [EDIT: This slur upon my (half-)country will not go un(half)revenged!!!! KOREA WILL REIN FOREVER!!!! Take a look at this incredibly informative (i.e. inexplicably random) video entitled "Korea is the best." And that's just some train station! Think how much BEST-er the rest of Korea must be! LAWYERED!!!]

Best Athlete to Cheer For: Elisabeth Goergl, Team Austria, Alpine Skiing. Thank you Austria for introducing me to the competitive world of Goergling (pronounce: Gurgling.) And she won a medal, so I guess all that 'Go Goergl Go' chanting paid off. That's the kind of power I have.

Most Vowels in a Single Name: Everyone, Team Finland. Peetu Piiroinen, Pirjo Muranen, Virpi Kuitune, Riitta-Liisa Roponen, and Aino-Kaisa Saarine. I think I'm going to move to Finland and change my name to Maarcha Hariinen. Fit right in.

Most Annoying Athlete: Lindsey Vonn, Team USA, Alpine Skiing. First we had to hear all about her bruised legs for weeks before the games began. Then it was all OMG LINDSAY WON A MEDAL!!!  WHAT A HUGE SURPRISE. Then we all had to feel bad for her because she only managed to get a bronze medal at the f*cking OLYMPICS. Boo. Hoo. And as if that wasn't enough attention, she had to go crash, break her finger, fail to finish the race and ruin Julia Mancuso's chances of medaling. Coincidentally, she also won Name Most Likely To Make Me Grind My Teeth.

Most Idiotic Move By The IOC: Forcing Scotty Lago to leave. Yeah, yeah, I know he 'chose' to leave and 'apologize,' but let's not polish a turd and call it chocolate cake, okay? The IOC got their knickers all in a twist because some young athlete went out and had a moderately good time after winning an Olympic  friggin' medal. Shocking. I have engaged in way more ethically/legally questionable activities after achieving way less (graduating college, successfully waking up on time). He didn't do anything illegal, hell, he didn't even do anything unsportsmanly. Unless 'medal kissing' is the new 'foot tapping,' nothing 'unbecoming to an international ambassador' was going on. Look, IOC, you put snowboarding in the Olympics because it's awesome (see above), and you wanted the ratings boost. Well part of why it's awesome is that snowboarders are generally a fun-loving, free-wheeling bunch, and they know how to have a good time. Don't act all surprised and offended therefore, when the snowboarding team goes out to celebrate and HAS A GOOD TIME. And P.S., especially don't wait until after you got the ratings boost you wanted in the first place. You know what IOC, you're on notice too.

Side note: Now I really want to make 'medal kissing' a euphemism for something dirty and/or/clearly offensive i.e. "Joey's in the doghouse now; his girlfriend went over to his house last night and caught some slut kissing his medal.' Suggestions, reader(s)?

Most Self-Effacing: Team Canada, Pretty Much All The Time. Although my favorite 'no offense but Canada is pretty cool (but seriously, you're cool too, and we didn't mean anything by it, and we're sorry if your feelings are hurt)' moment was the clown repairman during the closing ceremonies. Adorable.

Most Likely to Haunt My Dreams: Men's Figure Skating. I don't know when male figure skaters got so sexxxalicious, but Evan Lysacek, Samuel Contesti, and Vaughn Chipeur, I hereby extend to you the following invitation:

WHAT: There's a party and you're invited!

WHEN: Every time and all the time.

WHAT TIME: All night long. 

WHERE: In my pants.

Please RSVP to the March Hare, ASAP. Prompt reply is appreciated. Refreshments will be served.

Johnny Weir, you are also invited but I'm not sure you would enjoy yourself. However I'm 110% sure you would make any party FABULOUS.

Lamest Future Olympic Location: Sochi, Siberia Russia. IOC, seriously, you are on notice. In future, let the words "in Siberia" serve as a red flag that a place is inappropriate for an event you would like anyone to attend. If I were to say to you "Hey guys, my birthday is going to be off the hook...in Siberia!" I'm betting that I would have 0.00 guests at that party. Because not even I would attend my own birthday party if it were going down in a frozen wasteland that is basically a prison colony. In no situation is 'being sent to Siberia' a GOOD thing. I do not want to go there. You do not want to go there. NO ONE wants to go there! Ergo LET'S SEND ALL THE WORLD'S BEST ATHLETES THERE! Problem. Solved.

Maybe I missed something. Did every Olympic athlete stage a protest against the Kremlin? Are they all being punished en masse? Probably. Maybe this has something to do with the world's failure to appreciate the Russian creative process. Next time don't make such a fuss! Or Soviet Russia will send you to the camps, da!

Don't worry though, because Sochi will have zorbs. Zorbs make everything better! What are they, you are now asking me. Well don't worry, because Prime Minister Dmitry Chernyshenko can clear that right up for you: "I’ve got no idea. It should be international word. Uh, this is a – zorb. I don’t know how to translate it. If somebody knows, please advise me. You will understand it later."

So to sum up: Frozen wasteland, prison colony, zorbs, 2014. Only 1438 days to go!!!