I Am Very Busy And Important, Thank You

Ugh. Today is one of those days where I have just enough to do that I feel guilty about not doing it, but not enough to do that I feel any pressure to actually get started. It's like when you have twenty minutes before you're supposed to do something and you're like, psh I only need ten minutes to get ready so I'm going to devote some quality time to collecting my whimsical radar. (P.S. Did you know that the Water Dumple is actually a part of the Grub-Dog family? Did you know that the previous sentence is not in fact complete gibberish? Now you do. Once again, Google images = my heart of hearts deluxe.) Then it's an hour later and you're getting texts to the tune of 'grl were u b at?' while you try for the fourteenth time to get your analog computer out of the Forest Navel before sunset. Story. of. my. life.

Anyanyanyways, I don't have time for a full-fledged post today so I'm just going to give you a quick summary of:

The Five Best Text Messages The Mad Hatter Ever Sent Me

And by that I mean, 'Five Text Messages That I Haven't Yet Deleted From My Phone Because I Am A Lazy Whore.' I have a complex rating system, clearly. ONWARDS AND UPWARDS.

5. "Listening to mitch for first time in a while. I am freaking out everyone around me with my creepy laughing"

In case there's any confusion, the 'mitch' here refers to the immortal Mitch Hedberg, who we clearly knew so well that we just refer to him casually by his first name; we don't even bother to capitalize it, that's how deep we roll. The uninitiated reader of this message might assume a causal relationship between the two sentences in the text, i.e. that Hattie is laughing creepily because she is being amused by a hilarious comedian, but actually it's two totally separate and distinct pieces of information. Hattie is always laughing in a creepy manner and freaking people out in public places, and she usually sends me periodic updates. Weirdo.

4. "Would just like to say that it is not even 2 and I am druuuuuuuunk. I loce mimosaa"

Hattie and I have a system in place where the number of extra vowels in a text indicates the level of crunkitude at the time of transmission, and as you can see this message registered as an 8.0 on the MH scale. Clearly someone can't hold her mimosaas.

3. "Gossip girl is so scandalous today! Just like high school"

So now you know our dirty little secret: Gossip Girl is based on our lives. Hattie owns a hotel and snorts coke with hookers, while I live like a poor bohemian peasant in the slums of Brooklyn. Its a hard life, but we manage.

2. "Haha I am drink whooped"

I don't know if you've been drink whooped yourself, but I imagine that it looks something like this. Ever since receiving this text I've been trying to get 'drink whooped' to catch on. Example: "Dude I got so drink whooped last night, I don't remember a thing!" Spread the word!

1. "Hello my name is butterface Johnson

This is just the tip of the iceberg that is Butterface Johnson. Butterface Johnson happened after we met someone named 'Charisma,' which led us to wonder if her parents had named all their kids so presumptuously. This naturally led to a serious of highly hilarious and obscurely inside jokes featuring the adventures of Charisma Johnson and her less-well-endowed sister, Butterface. We imagined them going places together and having crazy adventures where Butterface was always getting the short end of the stick and losing out to her sister due to her unfortunate situation. It's a classic. And yes, we are accepting offers for the movie rights at this time.

Okles dokles folkles, that's all until next week; same bat time, same bat channel. Have a great weekend!