Equal Opportunity Offenders - A Linguistic Digression

I realize that my occasional W.A.G. posts may upset people who feel I am not giving fair consideration to other languages that might be considered funny and/or ridiculous. This post, in giving a broad overview of all languages I find amusing (English is excluded from this - too close to home, plus it's kind of obvious how ridiculous English is), should address these concerns.

FRENCH

This is pretty self-explanatory. While the words may not be as long as German, the pronunciation can be almost as unfathomable. As a good friend of mine once said, "I just look at a word and say it in the least logical way it could be pronounced. And that's how I speak French." I think Brett (Britt) and Jemaine do a pretty good job of emphasizing all that is delectably mockable about the French language (and also cover key phrases from Chapters 1-4 of "Bienvenue!," my high school textbook - it's both funny and educational!). In general, I would say French is probably one of the most made-fun-of languages on the planet. For example, this (3:20-3:28) is one of my favorite TV moments of all time - I could only find it in German online, but you get the idea. All kidding aside, I love French. Mostly because I can speak it somewhat passably, and I also love Paris, crepes, patisseries, and Amelie. But most important: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, my all-time favorite of favorites, speaks it fluently! (OK, he looks kinda shiteous in that clip, but come on, what a dreamboat!!! He sings, he dances, he acts, he speaks French, and I can't believe he's not in my closet hiding from my boyfriend right now. I know the March Hare's mom wants her to marry him, but I totally have dibs.)

HUNGARIAN

What's funny about Hungarian? Everything. I've been to Budapest many times in my life, and even lived there for 6 weeks, so I sort of know what I'm talking about. To have a childhood favorite vastly improved (or ruined forever) check this out; you'll get a general idea of how much Hungarian sounds like a four year old girl's made-up language. (That video also demonstrates a very typical Hungarian practice of dubbing EVERYTHING. Seriously, is everyone too lazy to read? George Clooney isn't the same when his voice sounds like a prepubescent teenager's.) Hungarian is a very singsong-y, round vowel-y language, filled with a bunch of syllables that all sound like "shmeg," and to this day I have no idea how to pronounce anything. Perhaps someday if I get a chance to learn more about it, I can establish the W.A.H. segment. I feel this would have as much potential for comedy as German.

CHINESE

I don't actually think Chinese is that innately funny. Mostly I wanted to recount a story from Harester's and my high school days, when we took a class on the history of China and Japan. During the language section of the class, our teacher tried to explain how the different tones of Chinese work. The example given was: imagine a couple boys who find a house in the woods. One boy boosts the other up so he can look in the window, and asks what he sees. The conversation then goes as follows: "Dogs!" "Dogs?" "Dogs." "Dogs..." (That last one is supposed to have a tone of "disappointment" and thus trail down at the end). This was supposed to convey to us that any one word can carry different tones and because of that tone convey a different meaning. Good lesson, right? But now whenever I read the "Learn Chinese" phrase on the back of my fortune cookie fortune, this story is all I can think of and it confuses me. I just remember those two sad boys hoping to catch a glimpse of something other than a bunch of dogs in this mysterious house (what were they actually hoping to see? A flash of boob? Hard to say for sure, history has not recorded these important details), and I get all depressed and fail to learn how to say "grapefruit." Thanks, C&J, for one of the most memorable lessons in all of my learningtimes.

POLISH

I know little about Polish, besides the fact that Polish people are apparently allergic to vowels (also that they put ketchup on pizza. For God's sake WHY???). For example, here is how one says Happy Birthday: Wszystkiego Najlepszego! In the first word, there are a total of 11 letters and only 3.5 vowels. Impressive, no? I was also roundly rebuked by a Polish teammate for pointing out how totally insane this setup was, which only made me realize that Polish people are highly sensitive and we should only laugh at them in private. Hence, do not expect a W.A.P. to appear any time soon, I have no wish to be pelted with pierogies.

SWEDISH

Ikea. That is all.

DUTCH

My Dutch friend in high school was very vehement in impressing upon me that Dutch and German were in no way similar. This despite the fact that Deutsch and Dutch are basically the same word. Plus the infallible Wikipedia has informed me that not only are two languages are closely related, but that in Gulliver's Travels German was referred to as "High Dutch." I can understand resenting a language that is referred to as a higher and more sophisticated version of your own, but come on, Fraulein Hollandaise, let's just accept the facts. This friend also occasionally tried to teach me how to pronounce Dutch words, and I was forced to come to the conclusion that she was either trying to torture me or that Dutch people have learned how to simultaneously chew on their tongue and wiggle each tooth independently. For example, there was a painting in one of our classrooms called "The River Ij," which I naively attempted to pronounce "ai" (like eye). Unfortunately for the Dutch (and for my sanity), this turned out to be far from correct. The actual pronunciation seems to be something like "Aghhhjkjkjkaighellllahhh." Yes, that would be about 4-8 syllables for a two-letter word. Impressive, "nee"? In conclusion, Dutch ≈ German, no matter how much wood there is in your shoes.

I hope this demonstrates adequately that I am in no way attempting to be discriminatory in spending the majority of my time laughing at the German language. I think pretty much everyone other than myself is funny in some way, but don't worry - I'll get to each of you eventually. It may take a while, so just be patient!

Yours in mockery, Hattie.