That WOULD Change My Life Forever!

Let me tell y'all a story. A few nights ago, after having my mind blown by back-to-back episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway (I mean, is that not the best show on TV or what?) I wasn't sure that my poor little brain could handle any more awesomeness. BUT THEN, what should come on the air but a full half hour of infomercial for Shaun T's INSANITY Workout! The first thing that impressed me: these people were working out in an empty warehouse WITH NO EQUIPMENT IN SIGHT. That's right, this workout will completely transform your body without purchasing any expensive machines or weights!!! In addition, they were so motivated that they were literally working out in pools of their own sweat. By the end of the infomercial, it looked more like an industrial-sized swimming pool. I was also impressed by their high standards - they kick out anyone who isn't giving 110% to the workout! I don't know exactly how that works when you're using the videos at home, but this dude in the infomercial was totally half-assing the workout and Shaun T personally asked him to leave! That's the kind of badass fitness video I have been desperately craving. It seems especially great for girls - what lady doesn't want to build ginormous man arms and thighs? My extreme reaction to this infomercial, including my inability to turn it off for the full 30 minute timespan, just emphasized something about my personality that has been growing clearer day by day. I am a theoretical infomercial sucker.

I shall explain. A TIS is a person who A) believes everything an infomercial tells them, B) decides that each item is indispensable towards living a happy and productive life, but C) is fundamentally too lazy/cheap to purchase any of them. As a TIS, I can tell you that this leads to a deep-seated belief that my life is not everything it could be, and every flaw could be easily and amazingly solved for the low low price of 14.95 plus shipping and handling! And this is due almost completely to laziness (and also fear of mockery by my more jaded, less optimistic/naive peers). It's not like I can't afford a ShamWow; Marchie frequently tells me that I spend my money on frivolous and unnecessary things. It's inexplicable really; I just seem to be incapable of getting my booty on duty and ordering the things that will guarantee me life-long happiness. But I would like to highlight for you some of the products that could have changed my life forever.

1) The SlapChop. First of all, this is marketed by the ShamWow guy; that gives it like a bajillion bonus points. Secondly, I LOVE salads but you may have heard that I am lazy and also have no skillz kitchen-wise. The SlapChop would enable me to chop vegetables for my salad so quickly and easily, not to mention literally ANYTHING ELSE that you might want to chop!

2) Bumpits. OK, so as I am naturally gifted with voluminous hair, I don't really NEED a Bumpit, except that I might actually die of sadness if I never get to try one on. I have always wanted to make my hair look like I just walked out of a pageant or a midwestern prom, and clearly the Bumpit is the way to go. Although I am confused why they chose not to capitalize the "I" - this way it looks like Bum Pit, which sounds HORRIFYING instead of super sweet.

3)  Mighty Putty. This was advertised by the great Billy Mays, so how could it be anything but phenomenal? This sh*t is THE sh*t. I mean, it fixes table legs, hammers, cars, you name it! Especially for someone as handyman-ically challenged as myself, this would be a godsend and a half. How I have lived my life since I was first made aware of the Mighty Putty magic is beyond me.

4) The GT Xpress 101. This not-descriptively-named contraption can cook anything. You can make omelets, chocolate cake, potatoes, pretty much any delicious food you would ever want! It's promoted by a Paula Deen-esque jolly hair-permed lady, which convinces me that all the food tastes uh-mazing. And you can use all of your random leftovers to make super fancy semi-circular shaped food (scientists agree that the semi-circle is the tastiest of all geometric shapes).

The list goes on, but these are some of my faves. If you ever want to buy me a present, these would be solid bets.