Old Crush Extinguished, New One Ignited

For many of my formative years (read: until last summer) I had a mondo crush on John Cusack. OK, I know that sounds kind of gross and pretty weird given that he's mid-40s now, and not in a Brad-Pitt (who ages like a Greek God - OK, demigod) kind of way. But in my mind John Cusack had been and always would be 1989-style Lloyd Dobler, my heart of hearts. I mean come on, he's cute and a little spazzy, plus he kickboxes and makes notes to himself/his friends on a voice recorder. What's not to love? Anyway, this adulation lasted from my first LD-exposure until last summer, when two movies completely revolutionized my worldview. Film 1: 2012. Crappity-crap movie in which JC looks so quintessentially middle-aged that I had to close my eyes every time a preview was played within a 20 yard radius. OK, so that effectively shattered my Lloyd Dobler fantasies. BUT. Enter Film 2: 500 Days of Summer, starring my future baby daddy Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Sure, JGL had blipped onto my radar as the less-hot male star next to Heath Ledger in 10TIHAY, but he was so baby-faced and young - and who can look good when Heath is next to you scowling in a manly way and wearing tight pants? Answer: no one, that's who. JGL was just the young impressionable kid of 10TIHAY, and I don't care what you've heard, I am NOT a pedophile, even in my wild celebrity fantasies. But the new, improved, vaguely scruffy, occasionally tortured but mostly optimistic and earnest JGL is like a Lloyd Dobler made for the mature woman that child Hattie became. Let's check this out, shall we?

I mean, from beginning to end, this movie makes MY dreams come true. In a big big way. I mean, where did that manly jawline come from? From whence the slightly nerdy and thus incredibly more attractive sweater vest? (He also developed a deep sexy voice somewhere along the line - adulthood did right by you, my friend.) COME TO MAMA. Seriously, JGL, whenever you want to get your French-speaking ass over here, we can get down to business.

[Side Note: While some may find it strange that both Harester and I have (potentially unhealthy) obsessions with men with hyphenated last names [SIDE NOTE: If by 'hyphenated' you mean 'comma, space'] [SIDE SIDE NOTE: Good point.], it's actually quite normal. We realized long ago that we are not only best buttons but also brainmates. No, not THAT kind of brainmates. Basically our brains hold hands, go on long walks on the beach together, and come up with inexplicable inside jokes that we discover much later on. Don't get freaked, it's just the way we be.]

Anyway, in response to Marchie's post about her Top 5 Celebs to Bang Guilt-Free, I thought I would contribute my own, infinitely superior and better/longer thought-out list.

The Mad Hatter's Top 5 List

1. JGL. Words cannot express my feelings, JoGoLev, just know I love you.

2. Christian Bale. Angry expletive-filled outbursts notwithstanding (and actually, I love a man who curses like a sailor, most especially with an accent), he is too beautiful to go anywhere except second place.

 3. James Franco. Although he is occasionally a little greasy-looking, I happen to only be two degrees of separation away from him. [SIDE NOTE: BECAUSE ZERO DEGREES IS TOO CLOSE!!] This means I actually have a legitimate shot at this one. (One may debate about the definition of "legitimate," but that's just semantics) This is aside from the fact that he is always a combination of funny and hot, and an excess of one always makes up for some insufficiencies in the other. Just watch this and you will see why I adore him.

4. Sam Worthington. Marchie disagrees with me on this one, claiming that he looks just like Channing Tatum (FALSE. Just so false.), but I can't help the way I feel. Have I mentioned I like accents? And deep voices? And half-human half-robot beings who save Christian Bale's life so he can save the world? Check check and check.

5. Clive Owen. Every good Top 5 List should have a dark horse, and Clive is mine. True, he has the accent, but he is much more manly-man than my normally boyly-man tastes tend to run. But something about this guy just rubs me the right way. I'm pretty sure out of all of the 5 I would be most intimidated by the prospect of even talking to Clive; he just seems too smooth and suave and James-Bond-y somehow. But here's hoping putting him on this list will give me the conversation starter I need...