Attack of the Gingers

Let me spin you a tale of sadness and woe (OK, really it's just mild confusion, but that doesn't sound as good...). Harester and I were passing an enjoyable evening watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon on Bravo (what better way to spend one's time?), and in the "Next Time On..." teaser clip there was a scene where Patti calls some skank an "ugly firecrotch bitch." Obviously I was then compelled to watch until I could find out WHY someone would merit being called a UFB (clearly I will be adapting this expression for everyday use), and as the episode progressed I found myself getting more and more confused. Now let it be said that as it turned out, this girl totally deserved to be torn a new a-hole, but what was confusing me was why Patti felt that "all redheads are crazy and will never get married" (harsh, but not unusual for psycho-Pat - see what I did there?). Don't get me wrong, I'm all for reality TV dumb-floozy-bashing at any time of the day or night, but the whole "you'vegotredhairthereforeIhateyou" mentality seemed over the top. What's with all the anti-ginger anger?? (HEY, you can't spell ANti-ginGER without anger! That is just creep-ay.)

I have to admit, I watched the South Park episode "Ginger Kids" and I laughed a lot, and even thought I understood it. I mean, the little ginger cut-out-paper kids were scary and sad and pathetic, and within that context, "Kick a Ginger Day" made perfect sense. But now that I can actually think about it without being hypnotized by the awesomeness that is Butters, I realize I still don't really understand. I mean, sure there are a lot of creepy red-haired people out there - Carrot Top scares the living bejeezus out of me (to be precise: I'm talking about current Carrot Top here; old Carrot Top was mostly just a crazy). And the pre-Bourne-ified Run Lola Run version of Franka Potente looks more Eurotrashy than I would have believed possible. BUT. But but but. Think of Ron Weasley (apparently his name is Rupert something-or-other but who cares?)! I'm pretty sure Harester would jump that guy's bones anytime of the day or night due to a powerful potion (see what I did THERE?) comprised of equal parts Harry Potter geekery and pure unbridled Britishboylust. Another example, and this is my ace-in-the-hole, THE LITTLE MERMAID HAD RED HAIR. That's right, the queen of my childhood, arguably one of the hottest Disney princesses (although not the best in terms of female role-modelery), was both awesome and red-haired. There's a really long list of hot ladies with red hair, actually - Jessica Rabbit, for one! Hot ginger men are harder to find, but they've gotta be out there somewhere!

[Side note: a Google search for "hot ginger men" yielded a baffling variety of scary porn-esque photos, plus pictures of Ron Weasley and Seth Meyers (really?). ALSO COOKIES. And come on, I mean, gingerbread cookies are the best thing ever! I'll take a gingerman over some boring old blondie any day.]

So what's the deal? I just don't see that this whole ginger thing is a generalizable-enough phenomenon to justify widespread discrimination, however hilarious it might be. Apparently in Britain gingerism is like a serious problem (much thanks to the Hare for providing me some insights into Englandy thought processes). People (adults, not just impressionable TV-hypnotized children) actually get attacked for being ginger. This fear is supposed to stem from the fact that redheads are believed in folklore to be the devil's children and have red hair because they were conceived during their mother's menstruation. OK, Britain, here are my concerns: A) GROSSY MCGROSSERSON. B) You are stupid. This is stupid. High school biology will tell you that ALL of the things in that sentence are just wr-wr-wr-wrong. C) If you want to have your stupid prejudices (which probably actually stem from anti-Irish sentiment, but who knows at this point) that's fine, but when it hops on over the pond and starts taking the ol' US of A hostage, you all gots some 'splaining to do. I mean, just look at this poor loser.

OK, that kid is kind of disproving his own point there - I mean, he's clearly soulless. Let's review in depth, shall we?

"Lately I've been being called a ginger. A fat ginger by everybody at school. And it really hurts my feelings. I act like it doesn't, but it does really bad...GINGERS DO HAVE SOULS (angry threatening pointing at camera)."

Mockery break: kid, I hate to break it to you, but you are the fattest and gingeriest fat ginger I could possibly imagine. Like if you look up "fat ginger" in the dictionary it will have a picture of you, possibly cross-referenced with "big loser baby." Maybe if you held the camera a little farther from your big pancake face it would be less obvious, but I understand why you didn't want to enlist anyone you know to record this embarrassing display of "emotion." I put emotion in quotes because he alternates between "I'm a wounded innocent puppy" and "I'm psychologically unstable and will probably murder you in your sleep." I think it's pretty clear that this kid has no soul. This is probably in no way related to him being a ginger, but he's certainly not helping his people's cause. OK, now back to the show.

"(continue with threatening demeanor) I go to church, I'm a Christian. You don't know me! You're not God! Whboboble (fake shivery sound)! WHBOBOBLLLEEE (louder, now sounding more like a horse)! You're not God."

Whoo boy, where to start with this segment. Who is he talking to? The creators of South Park? I'm pretty sure they don't care what you think, buddy, and I'm almost positive that they are God anyway. And what's with the horse/shivery noises? Are you morphing into some kind of animal? I'm pretty sure animals don't have souls, so yet again - kinda stepping on your own toes there.

"So if you. Think. I don't have a soul, tell me! Otherwise, fuck you! Bitches, you uh *tongue click* for real! I'm getting sick and tired of everyone making fun of redhaired people. (high squeaky voice) Hahahaha he's a ginger! Hahaha he's a ginger! Hahaha! (normal voice) Really, that's funny. (continued weak fake laughter)"

OK, they definitely told you that they think you don't have a soul. Isn't that why you made this video? And I think you're saying "fuck you" because they said that, not "otherwise." And "you *tongue click* for real" isn't a sentence. It isn't even a fragment. Clearly you meant to be insulting or threatening or possibly both, but all I'm seeing is passing stroke. Maybe ease up on the artery clogging snacks and your brain will get better blood supply; just a suggestion of course. Also, nice voice-work. Are the "friends" who are making fun of you 6 year old girls? Because you shouldn't yell at them like that or they'll probably cry.

"I'm red haired, OK? I've got red hair, and proud of it! I consider ginger a very slanderous word. Demeaning word. And I'm tired of it. (long pause) Tired of it. You know? Everybody else gets respect, you know? Black people, white people, Mexicans, everyone! Gingers! Why do gingers have to be put down so much, what's so different about them, besides their hair?"

For starters, you clearly don't know what slanderous means. But that's not your fault - it's tough for a soulless loser to understand. I also really enjoy how you are equating racism with a joke from a South Park episode. No one hates on Mexicans or black people anymore, but everyone (i.e. this kid's "friends") hates on gingers. This seems like an accurate representation of reality. "What's so different about them, besides their hair?" THAT'S IT. That's what ginger means. I thought that was clear.

This goes on for a lot longer, and I'm already kind of tired of it. But wow, that was some good material, huh? I'm not even sure exactly where I was going with it originally. I guess my conclusion on all this rambling is: there's a lot of crazy people out there, and you can make fun of them for a lot of things, so why make up fake things like gingerism as an excuse for more mockery? Although I do have to admit, gingerism yields plenty of hilarious insults. Like firecrotch or, my personal favorite, "ginger balls." Any situation where I can call someone ginger balls is a good one in my book; but I would prefer to be non-discriminatory and call everyone, be they ginger or no, the same hilarious names. Let's heal the world just a little bit, and try to destroy people's self-esteem for legitimate reasons.

Peace out, UFBs!