Dear reader(s), today I have a question for you: how awesome is it when you're innocently looking for the answer to some important question on the interwebs and you stumble across a hidden treasure trove of nonsense? Answer: SO. AWESOME. I know I've said it before but I'm going to say it again and again and again (maybe some of you are hard of hearing, or something, lord knows I am): I have a sweet sweet burnin' love for google. I don't know how I got through each day before the google was invented; it was a dark time. When google fails me, it's like I've just been told that the tooth fairy doesn't exist all over again.Side note: The tooth fairy doesn't exist, huh? FALSE. You know The Rock only speaks the truth! You should also know that I specifically picked the Spanish-language poster over the original English-language poster for the following three (completely legitimate) reasons: a) as we all know, foreign languages are inherently hilarious, b) every time I look at it I imagine the Rock saying 'NO IMPORTA!' in his 'serious voice,' and every single time I crack myself up. The key piece of information you need to know in order for this to be appropriately funny, is that 'no importa' means 'it doesn't matter,' which was The Rock's WWF catchphrase. In case, you know, you didn't already know that or something. Do I know maybe a little more about Mr. Dwayne Johnson than is strictly necessary? Prehaps. Am I appropriately ashamed? IN NO WAY SIR. And c) I love the way they chose to translate this movie poster. Somehow 'you can't handle the tooth' became 'magic needs more muscle' (I get it, the pun didn't work in Spanish, stop trying to steal my sunshine), but more bizarrely, the title of the movie, "Tooth Fairy," somehow became 'Break Teeth.' I'll admit that I don't know the idiomatic expression for tooth fairy in Spanish, I don't even know if they have a tooth fairy, but if they do and that is what s/he is called then good work, Spain, I am successfully creeped out. I think if my parents had told me when I was a child that a fairy was going to come into my room while I was sleeping to tear out my teeth I would not have gone to sleep until I went to college. Maybe things are different in Spain. Maybe it's considered lucky to have a mischievous sprite yank out parts of your body whilst you slumber. I honestly don't know, and I wish I had never been introduced to that possibility. Thanks a lot for that, Spain.
Back to our regularly scheduled program. I needed some quality advice on how to (nicely) tell someone you don't want to see them ever again via the classy medium of text message--because I am a grade-A classy lady thank you very much--so naturally I turned to my trusted bff google and typed in the words "how to let someone down easy." Such. a good. idea. After reading through some well-worded responses about relationships and feelings and blah blah I'm not listening what? my eyes were caught by the following headline "Breaking Up Advice For Men: How to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back Kit - Learn how to win back your ex girlfriend and become the man that women stay hopelessly attracted and attached to. Well worth the read!" Well now, don't mind if I DO. You know that it's gonna be good if they tell you how worthy it is right there in the caption, so you best believe I got my clicking finger in gear and I clicked right on that sucker. And here is what I learned:
How To Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back
Real Help from the Breakup GuruTM
Well I guess my lifelong goal of one day starting my own "How To break Up With Your Girlfriend" business is now dead. I was going to call myself the Breakup GuruTM! Bitch went and trademarked away my hopes and dreams. I guess the market for Getting Your Ex-Girlfriend Back advice is so broad that a girl's gotta get some legal protection from all those fakers trying to steal her clients. Ah, the cutthroat world of online advice professionals.
Instantly receive the secret that has easily helped thousands of men (just like you) get their ex-girlfriends back!
Instant advice is my favorite flavor! Lay it on me BGTM.
You're about to discover the secret to stopping your breakup with her and winning your girl back - so don't go anywhere, because this could be the most important secret you'll ever learn!
Alright I'm sitting down. My heart's all a flutter, I can hardly wait. I'm ready. Tell me the secret!!
Are You Ready To Undo Your Breakup and Win Your Girlfriend Back?
-Even if she has left you and she's seeing someone else....
-Even if she claims she doesn't love you anymore....
-Even if she is still living with you, but leaving....
-Even if you cheated on her....
-Even if you have no contact with her ....
YES! YES! IN THE NAME OF STALKERS EVERYWHERE YES!!!
Tigress Luv
The Breakup Guru
Friday, March 12, 2010
Mohave County
Arizona, USA
HOLD. UP. WHO. IS. THAT. Is that the secret? I think I just fell a tweensy bit in love with this website. Damn girl, you are good.
Dear Broken Hearted Boyfriend,
Hello. My name is Tigress Luv, but I'm better known as the Breakup Guru. Odds are if you've been heartbroken before, or have done any searches online to help you with your relationship or breakup, you've ran into me or have read some of my articles.
Wait, wait. Your name is Tigress Luv, while you're known as the Breakup Guru? Doubtful. More likely: "Tigress"--while on a vision quest in the Mojave desert you met your spirit animal, a Tiger. "Luv"--you're a real womyn who doesn't submit to the conventions of a masculine-dominated language system.
The cherry on this identity crisis Sunday is the fact that you gave your adopted name it's own new name, just to make things extra crazy. Whatever the case, I can confidently say that while I have never ran into you on the internets before, I am so glad we've finally met. Please, tell me more about yourself.
Here's a little bit more about me...
I started learning about the grief experienced with losing a loved one when a man I was very much in love with died. Years later I went through another great loss when, while in another relationship, I went through a very traumatic relationship breakup myself.
Firstly, thank god you italicized that 'very' in the first sentence, because it allows me to truly understand the depth of your love for your dead boyfriend. Deep as the everlovin' sea. Secondly, I can see how it would be very traumatic to go through a bad breakup while in another relationship. I know I'm not a Guru or anything, but I think your breakup might have been caused by the fact that you were apparently in two relationships simultaneously. Besides, it was only very traumatic--it could've been very much worse. Just sayin.'
I wanted to understand what was behind the tragic grief I was experiencing. After rationalizing - and analyzing - and investigating - and delving inward, I began to understand and see breakups for what they really were. I knew breakups inside and out! I then took my expertise and was signed on as a Community Leader and Breakup Advisor on the relationship breakup boards at iVillage.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rationalizing AND analyzing AND investigating AND (GASP) DELVING INWARD?? This sounds like a job for...Tigress Luv: romantic detective! We join our heroine as she uses the passive voice inappropriately to inflate her resume! I did some detective work of my own, TLuvs, and from the looks of things over at iVillage I'm pretty sure 'Community Leader' is the message board equivalent of 'hall monitor.' Not that there is anything wrong with that; I still love you.
Not soon after, I started my own breaking up grief site entitled 'Tigress Den', which later turned into the Lifted Hearts Network. The Lifted Hearts Network now has the largest private break up support forum on the web, with over 4000 members and 38 ebooks on relationships, relationship issues, relationship problems, relationship recovery, attraction, abuse, and self-help.
So...much later? And then laterer than that the humble Tigress Den metamorphasized into the beautiful butterfly that is liftedhearts.com? I visited this site only briefly, and was so overwhelmed with joy and hope that I had to leave posthaste. Proceed at your own risk. I have blogs to be writing, you know. I don't have time to read every Insider's Secret to Becoming a Man Magnet that rolls around.
If you are like 98% of the men who have lost the love of their life, their girlfriend, you've probably suffered from extreme depression, or even worse, MAJOR REMORSE! You've most likely have tried everything in your power to win your exgirlfriend back. Everything but the right thing - or you wouldn't be reading this page right now!
OH SNAP. Lady Tigress just told is like it is! In case you're unclear on which way that is, let me break it down for you:
-For 2% of men, the love of their life is NOT their girlfriend. Beloved pet? Piece of furniture? Light beer? Likely.
-If you think extreme depression is bad, then you've never suffered at the hands of MAJOR REMORSE. Consider yourself lucky. He can shoot laser beams out of his eyes.
Let's skip ahead a little bit. Now I know what you're thinking, "Wait! We can't skip! WHAT IF I MISS THE SECRET???" Don't worry. All you're missing is Madame Le Tigre Amour explaining a little more about how she is the shiznit and all those other bitches out there be fronting. Duh, like I didn't know that already! Give me some credit.
Getting back to me. Keeping up with my research I had came to a real understanding of the pain of breakups, how to cure that pain, and how to approach an ex girlfriend without causing further damage in the relationship. I actually wrote my first book on the subject way back decades ago.
Of course you did, Tigress. Of course you did. And I would expect nothing less.
I mean W-A-A-A-Y back :) (Gawd, does that make me seem 'old'? LOL)
Uh...well I wasn't really thinking about it before but I guess I think so now. Since you said printed it in big letters on your webpage that anyone with a computer an an internet connection can access. So...yeah. Way to go with that. Maybe a little oversharing there. LOL?
Having an uncanny ability to decipher human nature I soon became an expert on people and what makes them behave in certain ways both in and out of relationships.....
I think we can all agree that you, ma'am, are indeed 'uncanny'.
This became a new report on how to 'stop' the ending of a broken relationship and 'reverse' a breakup.
Since then I have written on men with commitment phobia (and the women who love them!), abuse, attraction, narcissistic boyfriends, and infidelity. Living through it all myself has helped me to get even more valuable lessons and insights.
"If God didn't want me to help others heal, then He sure wasted a lot of life's lessons on me!"
Ha ha! Wait...that's...that's just...sad. For you.
Most Men Make Common - Yet Major -Mistakes When Trying to STOP Their Breakup, or Win Their Ex-Girlfriend Back - Simply Because They Don't Know the Secret Ingredients Necessary to Winning Her Back....
Are you going to tell us what the 'secret ingredients are? Because honestly LOLCatress, I'm peeing my pants here waiting for the big reveal.
There are two key ingredients needed to make an exgirlfriend come back to you and I'm going to reveal them to you right now...
THANK YOU
Secret #1 - You Need To Know How to 'Let Her' Return to YOU
It's all about stopping her need to flee. I'm not here to insult anyone, but I will be honest with you; most men chase their ex girlfriends farther away by doing very instinctual things! They may think they are doing the right things, but in reality they are doing all the wrong things.
Secret #2 - Becoming the Type of Person That Converts Your Exgirlfriend's Emotional Conflict Into Emotional Attachment!
Your actions and reactions can very well be working against you, and not in your favor. You may be unknowingly making your exgirlfriend - or soon-to-be ex - feel like she has made the right decision in leaving you. Stop wasting your time doing all the wrong things and get working on doing the right things!!!
Wait wait wait wait wait. THOSE ARE THE SAME SECRET. Just because you are an expert in delving doesn't mean you can just rearrange the order of some words, slap a #2 on 'em, and call it a new rule! This isn't how a lady behaves. I don't mind telling you that I don't like this side of you, Luvs, I don't like it at all.
If you don't know the right way to get your girlfriend back, you may as well plan on moving on with your life right now because the wrong way will NEVER work on women...
But how can I know the right way if YOU WON'T TELL ME? I'm starting to understand why god gave you all those 'life lessons.'
It's funny how many men jump into methods to try and win their exgirlfriend back all the time not knowing the basic fundamental rules to winning an exgirlfriend back and stopping a breakup. There is no such thing as a 'get her back quick' program on the internet. It takes the right combination of methods and the proper 'know how' to make your ex-girlfriend come back to you.
WHAT?!?! No such thing? I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY what you've been promising me this whole time! I feel so used, so disappointed...so lied to. I'm not sure we can be together anymore. I just...I just can't do it, Tigress. I've thought about this a lot, and I think...I think we need to break up. I know, I didn't want it to end like this either, It's just that I don't feel the same way about you anymore.
Women do not just stop 'being in love'...
....nor do they 'fall out of love' as if they were changing channels on the television. Loving emotions cannot be turned off like that. Love is a deep, lasting emotion that can withstand betrayal, hurt, anger, fear, and confusion.. if you know the right things to do!
Wow. You really came out in front of that one. Unfortunately at this point I'm 98% sure you're nuttier than Harlan Pepper, so I'm going to have to leave it there. We had some good times together, but this just isn't meant to be. But don't worry! I know this guy, and I have a feeling that you two would totally hit it off. I bet you have a lot in common. His name is David, he has a website too, and get this--he's a doctor!
No need to thank me.
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment