Before I begin today's post, I would like to start off with a good ol' fashioned gripe fest. Since moving in to my new apartment, I have had two technological problems which have plagued me like (you guessed it) THE PLAGUE. Number One: my smartphone decided to turn into a dumb-blonde-phone, and doesn't receive any signal in my apartment. As a consequence, I have to use the wireless connection, which works for email and things, but when I want to make a call I have to sit at a very precise spot on the couch and tilt my head at a 45 degree angle. Fun times, yes? Number Two: My computer has decided that it wants to disconnect and (most of the time) reconnect to the internet at precise half hour intervals. I've done everything within my limited computer-fixy range to make it stop, but so far no dice. I think it has something to do with the wireless card (this deduction due to the fact that once every other day the computer tells me that the "Wireless Network Controller stopped working and was closed" - good sleuthing on my part, eh?). As a result of Problem Two, I decided to try to bypass Problem One and call tech support. Everything was going swimmingly, until the point when Vijay-the-tech-man asked me to unplug the router and plug the ethernet cable directly into my computer. I happily complied, only to have my phone instantaneously crap out (see Problem Number One). I then realized that I cannot fix Problem Two without fixing Problem One first. Tears of rage and frustration ensue. OK, on to fix Problem One. T-Mobile has informed me that I must call them on (1) a separate phone (2) during business hours (3) from my apartment in order to assess my signal. This causes several problems as (1) I am not Mr. Moneybags with two phones on different carriers - although apparently it's useful for simultaneously taking pictures of both sides of your stupid head, John Mayer. (2) I could borrow Harester's phone, but she is at work during business hours. Fail. (3) My apartment does not get any signal for anyone with my service provider. Which includes my entire family. So I'm going to have to find an unemployed friend who doesn't mind sitting on our rickety ass futon holding my phone precisely 1/3 from the right end while I yell at customer service and eventually just switch to a different carrier anyway. My life is a fairytale, boys and girls.
OK, on to the fun stuff. Harester and I have long been discussing the necessity of adding an "Elaborate Plans" theme to the old bloggeroo. This is mostly because Harie makes LOTS of elaborate plans, which as my brother recently pointed out "involve a lot more work for you and very little actual effect on anyone else," but that's the way we like 'em. I am more of an apprentice Elaboranner/Elaboplanner (new portmanteaus WASSUP!!!), but I have my moments. Anyhoo, due to general laziness and assiduous TV-watching (on my part) combined with hard workery and snoops-and-snoobling (on the Hare's part), our dream has yet to be realized. Until today, my friends. Until today. I proudly unveil the first in what will hopefully be a long and fruitful series, inventively named "Elaborate Plans."
The plan I shall unveil today is as follows: I wish to invent and spread to the masses a series of new punctuation marks that will aid and abet any sassypants like the Hare and myself to further imbue their prose with extra layers of tone and snark. This plan first took root when I realized that when I text or email people sarcastic comments, they are frequently taken at face value because no one can tell I'm actually being mean. Let's have an example: "I looooove your new haircut!" Now the excess o's, in my head, sound overtly derogatory. However, they can also come across to the more optimistic and less sociopathically minded among us as an overflow of enthusiasm. This is unacceptable; I refuse to have people believing the best of me. Therefore, the first part of my punctuation revolution will be: "sarcastimarks." I discussed this at one point with a co-conspirator (who shall remain anonymous), and we agreed that, until the keyboard can accommodate completely new punctuation, sarcastimarks will be represented by ellipses placed on both sides of a sentence or phrase. To continue with the above example, "I looooove your new haircut" will mean "your hair looks super awesome," whereas "...I looooove your new haircut..." will mean "you look like a retarded goat has been grazing on your head."
Everyone with me so far? The next additions to the fold are "hyperstrophes" and "hypostrophes" (the latter of which is pronounced "high-POE-strow-phees" to emphasize the distinction from hyPERstrophes). This little gem of an idea came to me when in the midst of a passionate discussion of the use of apostrophes, I tried to bring up hyphens and could not for the life of me say the correct word. I settled for "hyPAWstrophes," and from there it was but a hop skip and a jump to the levels of world-changing genius that you find me at today. Hyperstrophes are to be used in order to denote "this sentence/phrase is very very important and if you do not memorize it instantly I will eat you." Hypostrophes denote the opposite - "pay no attention to the phrase to the right of this mark, I am merely having a seizure which will end once you come to the second hypostrophe." Hyperstrophes are to be superscript "+" signs, and hypostrophes will be superscript "-" signs (until the day comes when one can "overline" an entire word or phrase - the opposite of underlining, get it? The PuncRev is all about keeping the yin and yang in balance).
The final (so far) punctuation mark I am proposing is the "sociopath-slash." Unlike those pussy-footed forward and backward slashes, the sociopath-slash (called "so-slash" for short) refuses to bend in either direction to indicate its feelings or intentions. That's right, it is the straight upward line ( | ) and it simply means "I hate you." It can be interspersed freely throughout any text without heed of meaning, grammar, or beginnings or endings of words or sentences.
Let's synthesize all of this, shall we? Try this on for size: "+...I think kitt|ens are the cutest!...+" This sentence now actually means: (1) Kittens are so not cute and you are an idiot for thinking so. (2) Meaning #1 is very very important so tattoo it on your face so you don't forget. (3) I hate kittens/you/the world. Pretty neat, huh? So many layers of meaning in such a small amount of space! If the Germans get wind of this they'll never use the spacebar again. I hope your mind has been sufficiently blown (away). If not, prepare to get hypostrophed at a later date. Peace out!
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