The Worst Thing We've Ever Seen

Well. Well. Well well well well well. I have had an experience, let me tell you. If Marchie hadn't gone through this ordeal with me I would be really unsure that it happened at all. I don't know if any of you have had your eyes and ears (not to mention brain) simultaneously raped for three hours, but NOW I HAVE. If you were worried about my questionable mental state before it just might be getting on time to call in the authorities, because I think something may have snapped.

So. The other night, Harester and I had the misfortune of getting free tickets to a concert. I say misfortune because a) this concert sapped my will to live and b) had the tickets not been free I NEVER would have gone, and would presumably still be the happy-go-lucky lass I was just a few days ago.

The concert was by "The Trans-Siberian Orchestra," which as far as I can tell has nothing to do with Siberia. Some brief Wikipedia-ing informed me that their specialty was "rock versions" of classical music and live shows filled with pyrotechnics and lasers. Sounds crazy, but not necessarily bad - and again, let me stress that we went to see this for free. While we were waiting to go in, we noticed that the crowd was made up of three distinct groups:

1) Late-thirties heavy-metal-type dudes, complete with long hair and beards and plenty o' leather.

2) Families with children, presumably hoping to sneakily instill some culture in their children while they're distracted by a laser show and fog machines.

3) Middle-aged Russians. I assumed that they made the ridiculous mistake of assuming that the concert had something to do with Siberia and were in for the surprise of their lives, but my personal Russia expert told me that it "actually just sounds like something Russians would be into." Go figure, that place is crazygonuts.

Why we didn't take one look at that hot mess and immediately run for the hills (and when I say hills, I mean watching Bravo marathons from the comfort of the couch) is beyond me. I guess you learn something new every day. Hokay, lesson learned, we're idiots, moving on. We took our seats and the show (entitled "Beethoven's Last Night," btw - yet another bad omen) began. And what a beginning! A dude wearing what looked like an all-black pirate's costume walked onto the stage and yelled "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" with an excess of dramatic flair. People in the audience hoot and holler and express their appreciation while Marchie and I giggle nervously. He then starts narrating this story about the night that Beethoven died and how he had just written his tenth symphony and then the devil appears and wants him to trade all his music for his soul and then Fate takes him back through his life so he can see all his mistakes and whatnot. Whooo I had to do that fast or it might start egg-beatering my brain again. This narration (complete with ridiculous voices) was interspersed with a man who looked only vaguely like Beethoven singing long stupid sentimental songs about whatever the narrator just talked about. There were also occasional rock/metal orchestral performances of Beethoven's music, which was BY FAR the best part of the show. That should tell you something. I can't even begin to go into the whole thing, so let me give you some highlights:

1) The orchestra played several Mozart pieces, presumably hoping that the audience is too dumb/Russian/drunk/stoned to know the difference.

2) Every time any key words came up, the screens behind the performers would show GINORMOUS clip art images circa Word 97 of whatever they were talking about. Example: "Mephistoooooophhhhelesssss!!!" --> pixelated clip art of the devil complete with bright red eyes.

3) Part of the narrator's script: "She was his beloved! It was an immortal love." Cue random clips from the movie Immortal Beloved starring Gary Oldman running across the screen. Subtle, guys. Realllll subtle.

4) Crazy Japanese electric violinist running around while playing Mozart's Requiem and kicking the air. You made the show by far, my friend. Thank you for providing me with the five minutes of true entertainment in that 3 hours of hell. (Oh yes, did I mention this show lasted 3 F***ING HOURS??? How could they think that was acceptable?)

5) Blindingly painful bright yellow strobe lights. I honestly was hoping that they would trigger a seizure before my retinas were completely burned off.

6) Random lady dancers doing high school talent show type routines that mostly involved swinging their hair around in circles.

After about two hours of this, the narrator came on the stage and said "I bet you thought it was OVER, didn't you?" This was when I started to weep with rage - on the inside of course. I'm a classy lady - I'm not about to let a bunch of long haired 80's rejects see me cry. After another half hour of "plot" and terrible songs, they finally stopped. The main TSO dude introduced every single person in the group (there were about 10 million of them), and I began gathering my things. Time to go drown my sorrows in ice cream, right? Not. One. Tiny. Motherf-ing. BIT. "Are you guys ready to have a little fun?" (So were they not planning on the previous 2.5 hours being fun? If they were aiming for brain exploding torture, then I guess I owe them an apology - nicely done, gentlemen.) "We'll be playing a couple songs for you from our album 'God Help You All You're Stuck in This Hellhole!'" And that's when I learned that in Siberia, "a couple" means five. And let me tell you, it was ......magical...... (the extra sarcastimarks are on purpose, my friends. HOO boy.)