Captain Ridiculous Strikes Again!

Guess what? This is a real shocker, so prepare yourselves. Seriously, if you're not sitting down, you may do yourself serious injury. I believe, and hopefully Harester will verify, that this constitutes fair warning and any harm that befalls you as a result of the following revelation can no longer be said to be in any way my fault or responsibility. OK, here goes: I had another extravawkwardganza yesterday!!

Now, as a professional hatter, it may come as no surprise to you that I have (and wear) many hats. In my case this is purely figurative, whereas ironically the Hare has more literal hats than I would ever know what to do with beyond have a hat-as-frisbee-throwing-contest. Unfortunately, the hat which I need to use the most is this one. (Or this, depending on your sense of style. Remember, this is a metaphor - to preserve my sole remaining scrap of dignity I must reiterate that I do not own either of these hats in real life.) You might think that at this point in my life, I would be so inured to these types of situations that I would no longer notice them, and become some sort of oblivious Awkwardstorm (see below), raining uncomfortable silences and strange facial expressions upon all who cross my path.

However, I have not yet resigned myself to this fate (although it probably would end up being a lot less stressful). While I fully intend on developing into a crotchety old curmudgeon a la Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino, until the time comes I would in general like to have more than just one awkward neighborhood teenager for a friend. My hope is that by recounting and analyzing these experiences, I can somehow therapize (is that a word? If not it should be) myself and gradually transition into a life of normalcy. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

So, on to the story. Or as my new bffers Stephenie would have it, saga. (Is there a "Stephenie Meyer Day?? Ohgodohgodohgod I hope so.) I left my apartment for work this morning, only to find it was pouring rain. I didn't have an umbrella, but our super kindly lent me one. As I was a leeeeetle bit on the late side, I rushed to the bus, which I not only caught but also got a seat! I was feeling quite pleased with myself until I looked into my bag for my book and discovered I had left my wallet in my other more casual bag which I brought to yoga the evening before. This was unfortunate for several reasons.

1) I was originally proud of myself for going to yoga during the post-work rush, an ordeal I usually avoid so I am not forced to drink someone else's sweat. The instant "God, why why why did I do that" reaction to my missing wallet cancelled out that pride. Fail #1.

2) The reason I did not bring my other bag to work was that, in an attempt to appear more professional and grown up, I bought a nice new fancy tote-type bag. I did not remember that your possessions do not transfer themselves between your bags by magic. Fail #2.

3) Unlike yesterday, where lunch for trainees was paid for by the company, today we were sent out on our own. Which is problematic without money or a tin cup with which to importune passersby. One hour is not enough time to sell oneself on the street AND get a bite to eat. Fail #3.

4) I was unsure whether the other trainees would suggest a group lunch, thus forcing me to choose between:

a) a fake "oh no, where's my wallet" act at the end of the meal and then borrowing money from people I had only met yesterday

b) admitting that I had no wallet and looking like a sad idiot, potentially prompting someone to pity me and offer to buy me lunch (even worse than choice a)

c) making up a fake lunch date with my dad and hiding somewhere for an hour where none of the others might accidentally see me

Obviously, I chose (c) in the event of an emergency, but decided that I would not pull the ripcord unnecessarily, because as we all know it can lead to disastrous consequences. So, I went into the office, and proceeded to have the eyeballs bored out of my sockets for 2.5 hours. At this point I realized, "Hey, I could actually have lunch with my dad and then I would get to tell the truth for once in my life! Also, I would get to replace skulking in a corner with eating delicious foodityfoods." However, this was also 30 minutes before lunch, and my dad is notoriously difficult to get in touch with. I sent plaintive texts and emails, received no response, and had to go back to plan (c) purely because of my inability to take the mental step from brilliant excuse to feasible real-life plan. Fail #4.

My next thought was, "Heyheyhey, I could also eat some more of the bagels they gave us while everyone else is at lunch!" This plan was instantly squashed when everyone else seemed to be feeling some strange inertia that left them staring into space uncertainly when lunch time rolled around. Not wanting to encounter choices (a) or (b), I ran out.

I then went to Banana Republic to kill time, browsed for a while, forgot that I didn't have money, and tried on some awesome pants that I wanted to buy but then remembered I could not. Fail #5. I left BR and went to Aldo's, this time miraculously remembering that I was penniless and could only be "buy-curious," but I tried on some shoes for the heck of it. I did forget that shoe salesmen are the worst hasslers of all the hassle-pants of the world, and it took a lot of awkward excuses to get me out of the store without being murdered for leaving empty-handed.

Finally, I hit on the failsafe option of browsing Barnes and Noble until it was time to go back. I had a loverly time, and made it back to the office about 5 minutes early, only to find everyone else seated and staring at me as I came in. The snarky middle aged trainee said "Where did you go for lunch? You were gone a long time!" To which I replied that my dad had taken me out for lunch (good thing I thought of plan (c) ahead of time, eh? eh? EH-NO-WAY-JOSE). I proceeded to make that story seem completely implausible by my stomach's audible growling through the next two hours of training, followed by my scarfing a bagel and a muffin in our 5 minute break. This, by the way, prompted an "Oh, you must not have eaten much at lunch!" comment, to which I replied, "Oh muh muh ummm haha what?" Fail #6.

I sit back down to see that my dad has sent me an email saying he wants to take me out to lunch tomorrow (which, by the magical passing of time, is now today). Which means until lunch is over I will be going through a VERY similar situation to that of my last awkfest, in which I dream up all sorts of scenarios in which the whole charade (I pronounce that cha-RAAAHHHD in my head, makes it sound more sophisticated) will be revealed and my carefully crafted professional/sane facade (I pronounce this fa-SAYED, just for counterbalance) will come tumbling down.

Oh, and remember the umbrella? You thought that was just a casual random detail of no significance whatsoever, didn't you? Once again, WRONG. On my way home the wind inverted it and broke two of the spines. Fail #7.

In summary: 7 fails, bagel for lunch, no pretty pants or shoes purchased, one awkward lie told, several awkward sounds emitting from stomach (involuntarily) and mouth (sadly voluntarily). ANNNNDDDDD I'M OUT.