OMG THERE'S SNOW!!!!

I know, I know, it's the storm of the century; it's snowing all over the Eastern seaboard; our government is being spanked by Mother Nature and made her frozen bitch. HOWEVER. I would like to register my displeasure (really? of course) at the way New York City has decided to freak the f*ck out over a little cold weather.

I understand that in some parts of this country (Washington D.C., the confederacy) they do not possess the requisite equipment to deal with Jack Frost and his wintery trickery. So it is fairly understandable, and highly amusing to me, when eight snowflakes fall in North Carolina and they decide to declare a statewide emergency and call in the national guard.

HOWEVER.

This is not Raleigh-Durham, madam. This is New York I Have Places to Be Going and Things to Be Doing City and I refuse to take the exit marked hysteria highway simply because frozen water is falling from the sky. Yes, it is snowing outside. We have snowplows. We have ice trucks. We are home to the NYPD and the FDNY, which in addition to being mighty fine and brave gentleman and ladies, when combined are approximately the size of the AUSTRALIAN ARMY (Seriously, it's true. Wez da shitz up in here.) WE GOT THIS. Therefore I do not understand why the news has decided that snowmageddon is upon us and it's everyone for zieself.

And here's what's really ridunkadunk: they announced today's school closings yesterday at 1PM. When it wasn't even snowing yet. Because they were afraid of the possibility of snow. Joel Klein, I have some words to say to you, and you know what those words are? Bull. and. shit.

I should mention at this juncture that Joel Klein was the speaker at my college graduation and things are still not really okay between the two of us. Mostly because I resent the fact that I spent four years toiling at a prestigious university and the best they could do for me upon the culmination of four years of agony was a b-list municipalebrity. Ol' Joel rambled on the whole time about responsibility and hard work and life lessons, or at least I assume he did because three point five minutes into his hour-long instructional video on how to bore college graduates, I fell asleep. It was graduation folks. I had been seniorweeking it (read: hungover), and I really wasn't in the mood to be motivated by an old bald guy quoting Ghandi and telling me his entire life story starting from birth. I went to college, sir, as did everyone in this room; that should be evident to you by the fact that we all marched here in lockstep wearing identical floor-length robes and quadrangular betasseled hats. So you can probably assume that I have a full tank of old white guys' biographies and Ghandi quotes to take with me on my road trip across the real world to adultwood, thank you not at all. Meanwhile, the all-girls college at my uni got Mayor Bloomberg for their graduation, because their president is his bff and apparently can just called him up and say, 'omg Mike, you HAVE to come to my party tomorrow night, kthxbai.' Thanks for the memories, college.

Anyway, New York City schools got an eighteen hour heads up yesterday about their day off, which is a) totally ridiculous, as we've already discussed, and more importantly b) totally unfair! Do you know how many snow days we had when I went to school here? One (1), during the blizzard of '96. [EDIT: Hey, we also had a day off for torrential rain. Also a half day when it got so cold the water tower froze and the toilets all backed up. Just keeping it real here.] It was the first snow day the city had had since 1978. It happened during the second largest snowstorm in New York's entire HISTORY. The frigging NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE CLOSED. To give you an idea of what precipitated (HA HA) a snow day in 1996, here is a photo of what it looked like outside of Radio City Music Hall back then:



Now, compare that with this shot of Grand Central Station, taken today:



OMG LOOK AT ALL THAT SNOW JOEL! BETTER KEEP THOSE KIDS SAFE AT HOME!!! Clearly this is just a lame excuse for a free holiday, which let's be honest here, is only a problem because I am not getting one. Kids these days, honestly.

So here is my message to New York: pull yourself together, city. You are embarrassing me, and more importantly you are embarrassing yourself. I don't know if you know this, but we are kind of a big deal. People know us. We have a rep. So unless there are literally cats and dogs raining down from the sky, chill (HA HA HA) the f*ck out. Put on your galoshes, take an umbrella, and man up. You are on notice.