OMG Twilight and Vampires SPAZZZZZ

To begin, I would like to offer the March Hare's and my apologies for being somewhat remiss in posting frequency this week. Things have been going crazypants on the home front, including but not limited to Harester having to work like a bitch [EDIT: YES MA'AM]. I have less of an excuse, other than general laziness and the desire to fill my days with eating noodles and taking naps (seriously, how happy does that family look?). However, we hope to make up for reduced frequency with increased awesomeness. Now I know what you're thinking: is that even possible? We don't know either, but we're going to give it our best shot.

OK, so here begins my first post of staggering genius. My theme for today was inspired by a YouTube video I found while Facebook stalking someone I haven't spoken to in at least 10 years (don't judge me, you all do it). The video was of this rando British boy summarizing and reading selected quotes from chapter 2 of Twilight, the first in an incredibly badly written and simultaneously addictive series of books about how OMG vampires are like totally the best EVER. So far he has done clips for chapters 1-7 and I would highly recommend them to both Twilight virgins and whores alike. Have I piqued your interest? Well, just watch his summary for chapter 1. (FYI: each video starts with an inexplicably unrelated random video clip, just power through)

I completely agree with everything this dude says. Yes, it's a ridiculous plot, ridiculous characters, ridiculous writing. What does that make the book slash series overall? I suppose intellectually my response would have to be riDONKulous (as we all know, 1 donk = 3 dics; basic math guys). However, in the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I have read not just Twilight but the entire series (excuse me! SAGA, not series. While the four books, totaling over 2500 pages, probably don't fulfill most definitions of the word saga, they are for sure the epitome of "a long detailed account," so I guess technically I can't quibble about word choice here). Despite a healthy sense of shame, I managed to plough through those four "books" in the space of about two weeks. Why? Because I just HAD to know what would happen next. Stephenie (way to have an originally spelled name, lady) Meyer may write like a fourth grader, but to give her props - she knows how to spread a short story's worth of plot into twice the length of War and Peace. She's like a literary Stretch Armstrong.

So I can understand the fascination this holds for tweens (OMG, the hottest guy in school is in love with me! OMG, I thought I was ugly but it turns out I am super duper hot and EVERYONE is in love with me! OMGOMGOMG I'm a vampire now and I'm eighty times hotter than I was before!!!). But at the same time I think it's terrible that such drivel has generated so much fascination, interest, and money. I also don't understand this whole Robert Pattinson aka RPatz/Kristen Stewart aka KStew obsession. Granted, I've only seen parts of the first movie, but that was because the acting was so terrible I kept skipping forward hoping to see something a little steamy (which as we know, is a true rarity in Twilight, unless you count descriptions of Edward's cold-as-ice marble skin - sexy, right??). Maybe it's just me, but the concept of some dude who is super pale and has freezing cold skin and who can't bang you because he would kill you just doesn't do it for me. You know what does? Yeah, that's right. What, pray tell, is so attractive about the "I wear guyliner, never wash my hair, and don't go out in the sun" look?

This brings up a more general trend with which I take issue: somehow vampires are the new skinny jeans - they are everywhere and are rarely if ever a good idea. Seriously, W(hy)T(he)F(ace)?? I watch True Blood, and I enjoy it, but I don't understand why a bona fide hottie like Anna Paquin would date (either in fiction or in real life), someone as lame and blah-tacular as Stephen Moyer. Especially when the HBO makeup artists seem to interpret "pale" as "some weird shade of grey that looks like someone threw ash in your face." Seriously, if you're going for pale, I'm pretty sure Michael Jackson had a good guy (too soon for the MJ jokes? I'm never sure about these things...).

I'm not even going to attempt to list the multitude of vampire-related things that have emerged recently. Frankly, I don't have the time or the energy, and I'd much much rather do this. In general, I would just like to say this: when somebody wants to drink your blood, it's probably a better idea to stake them through the heart than to try to suck face. Just a suggestion.