I Love Clowns

Before I start in on the actual subject of this post, I have two random-ish gripes to bring up based on events of my day. 1) How is it that there are so many people in this city who cannot walk up (or down) stairs faster than one step per minute? Some days it seems like there are millions of people with knees so bad they have to pull themselves up by the handrail and put both feet on every step. This bothers me the most on the bus, which I have to take to get to work, and which takes 20 minutes at every stop because each of the people waiting needs 5 minutes to get on (they're already kneeling buses, people! The first step is like an inch from the ground). Is this an exercise deficiency problem? Or some sort of nutritional thing that affects joints? WHY is no one capable of using stairs effectively/efficiently???

2) I saw a group of 5 pre-teen girls wearing tights as pants, while simultaneously wearing seventeen layers each on their upper bodies. It looked something (well to be honest, EXACTLY) like this. Honey, if you're so cold that you have to bundle up like Nanook of the North just to keep your Prada bag from hitting the ground when your arm falls off from frostbite, maybe (and I'm only saying MAYBE here) you should put on some real pants.

OK, now that I've vented I can get on to the real deal; let's face it, clowns are where it's at. First of all - I was inspired to write this post because of the pairs figure skating short program in the Olympics that was on last night. Don't watch the Olympics? A) Shame on you! B) You missed the most artistic, creative, and masterful performance of Olympic history. For realsies. No, I am not talking about the Chinese team who came out of retirement to chase Olympic gold, and whose performance was, as mandated (read: punishment for failure is 2 years hard labor) by the Chinese government, flawlessly synchronized and technically perfect. I am referring to the true genius of the German duo, Savchenko and Szolkowy, who, in a spectacularly successful effort to top these costumes (fluorescent futuristic robots?), skated while dressed as clowns. YES THEY DID. As the March Hare can attest, I immediately freaked out when I saw them. I was hoping they were French, and when we discovered they were German I was even more excited because, let's face it, the only thing better than a French clown is a German one (obviously German clowns are naked, because that's just how they roll over there). I was in a complete tizzy waiting to watch their routine, and while I think it could have been a lot more clowny/circusy (although their music was "Send in the Clowns" - I never would have guessed!) I was so thrilled by the fantastisch theme that I really couldn't have cared less.

This brings me to my point: I love clowns. I mean a "this is the most ridiculous thing in the world" kind of love. I loved it when Cam dressed up as a clown in Modern Family (if you don't watch it, get yourself a double order of shame with a side of lamesauce). Now let it be said that I don't understand their purpose, and as a big-footed individual I've always resented the idea that having huge feet is funny (same with the ugly stepsisters in Cinderella who had big feet - how revolting!). However, for whatever reason, they make me laugh. I've never really been able to understand people who are afraid of clowns - what could be less threatening than this? Or this? Or this? OK, maybe that last one is a bad example. But still, what's the deal? They're smiling, they've got balloons and bike horns and big round bellies, they ride unicycles, what's not to love?

Don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to irrational fears. I personally am afraid of spiders. I don't like the way their legs move and even the tiniest spider within a 20 foot radius of me must either be moved or I will run away. This fear doesn't translate to creepy crawly things in general - just yesterday I had cockroach squashing duty, while Harester took up the housewife-who-just-saw-a-mouse-and-jumps-on-the-table position (I don't know what that picture's about, but it's awesome). [EDIT: HEY HEY HEY. Don't misrepresent. Here is a photo of what actually happened. I also like to vacuum in my pearls.]But it seems to me (maybe irrationally, I'm not an objective judge of myself) that being afraid of weird gross little bugs with too many legs for their own good is way more normal than being afraid of a big jolly dude named Bozo. But who am I to say? In fact, at one point in my life I told someone (whose identity escapes me now) that I was afraid of clowns because I thought it made me sound unique and cool. Yeah, I was that kind of awkward. Probably still am, to be honest.

I am no longer afraid to admit that I love clowns. They make no sense, and they are ridiculous, but they make me laugh in the same way that this does. I can't explain it, but there's a general subcategory of "things that are borderline stupid" that tickle my funnybone in a pleasing way. So please, nations of the world - follow Germany's lead and integrate clown culture into all aspects of life! For example, we could have clown chefs cooking at clown-themed restaurants! Wouldn't that be spectacular? I would love it anyway, and when all is said and done, my opinion should be the only one that counts.