Cast, In Order of Appearance

Before I get to the body of this post I just want to let you all know that yesterday at 1:17PM EST, TASTYCAKES WERE ACCOMPLISHED!!! I know you have all been on pins and needles for weeks, wondering how our heroine was going to get herself out of yet another sticky situation, but fear no longer! I successfully filled my tummy with delicious morsels and let me tell you how good they were: so good. Of course I immediately texted Hattie to tell her not to worry, we were out of the woods, to which she immediately replied 'I'm so jealous,' which was the correct AND ONLY response of course. Now back to our regularly scheduled post.

THE TIME: Late in the evening. Like maybe....6:30PM.

THE PLACE: A mysterious underground lair. It's actually the basement of a hotel in midtown, but whatevs, tomato tomahto, right? Of course right.

THE SCENE: We join our heroine as she enters a cavernous room deep below the city. Exhausted after a long day's exploits she fights to stay awake but nonetheless is nobly prepared to sacrifice her evening in the pursuit of bigger and better things. We are touched by her perseverance. We laugh, we cry. It's emotional.

But she is not alone! Who else could be exploring such a desolate landscape at such an ungodly error? Who else but...BUM BUM BAAAAAAAAAAAAH...America's Future Professionals! Join our heroine this week in an episode we like to call: The Good, the Bad, and the Never Gonna Make it Through This Class.

Now let's meet our supporting cast:

Princeton: Princeton is the kind of kid that I imagine went to (shock) Princeton undergrad because that's where his dad and grandad and great grandad and greatgreatgrandaddy went to college, all of whom are also named Princeton. (It's a family name). He wears a cable-knit v-neck sweatervest over a polo--popped collar optional--and rocks a murse. IT'S FOR HIS LAPTOP OKAY. Okay. [EDIT: The real test will come summertime: will he sport the eternal classic of penny loafers, sans socks (obvi!) combined with J. Crew shorts, preferably the ones with the little animals all over? Also I would expect a full range of salmon-colored apparel to emerge once GQ says it's time for spring colors.] Princeton is probably a reasonable smart cookie, and under normal circumstances he would probably fly under my radar and escape unscathed...but. The problem with Prince T is that he has the highly annoying and totally pointless habit of asking the most irrelevant questions about how to 'get the right answer' and 'beat the test.' Lemme 'splain. Rather than actually do the work in order to get the right answer, Mr. Nonsense would rather know secrets. Secret things like: 'what percentage of the time is this the correct answer' and 'if I think an answer is correct, should I assume it's wrong.'

Look P-ton, I feel you. This is all a game, and the name of the game is Win The Class. But it is a waste of my time and your time and LB's time and frankly the janitor's time for you to be filling the air with crapsense that won't help anyone not even you. For serious: the strategy of 'I definitely think it's B so I'm going to pick C! Booyah! School accomplished,' is really just one chromatic half-step away from the strategy of 'I'm going to fill in the bubble sheet so it looks like a picture of a tree.' And what would grandaddy Princeton have to say about that Principants?? Trumpery and Balderdash, that's what he'd say.

Oleg: Maybe it's just me, but I feel like an educational experience is not complete without a posse of Russians. Maybe it has to do with my misspent youth in the seedy underbelly of the Math departments of New York City, I don't know, but a little Russka is just what I need to really get my brain juices a-flowing.

Here's how to make a Classic Oleg: mix one part cocky, one part brains, and a liberal amount of argumentative, to taste. Garnish with misspoken English and serve. Oleg spends about half his time "spinning his wheels" and the other half "confusing everyone else," which in case you had any doubts is hilarious. Here's a gem from this week: "So if you invert if A then B you get if B then A, and then if you invert it again you get if A then B and that's the reverse of if B then A, so isn't that the same thing?" To which LB (hesitantly) replied, "...why did you do that?" WHY?? "Because that's how I was taught." Of course it was Oleg, of course it was. And that is why I hired you.

5 O'Clock: 5 O'Clock sits in front of me and even though we have only known each other for the equivalent of one workday I already love him like my older, higher, more unwashed brother. I would not be at all surprised to know that Five-O sets his alarm for 4:00 every day, hits snooze, and then wakes up ten minutes before class with just enough time to munch a few handfuls of dry cereal, turn his t-shirt inside-out, and trip over last month's laundry on the way to the door. I think in his mind he's going to end up as Zach Morris by way of Raising the Bar, but in reality he's probably going to end up more like Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.

No worries though, because that's just how 5O rolls. It's all good. Frankly I'm impressed by the fact that he is in this class at all, and I'm skeptical that he's going to make it all the way through without completely blowing his own mind, so I'm just going to treasure each golden moment we spend in the same general area together.

And last but MOST DEFINITELY not least in the lineup is Pearshape. Oh Pearshape. I have to admit that when I first met you I was at once completely memorized by your physical makeup and a little ashamed of myself (HAH, as IF). I don't know if I can explain this in a way that makes me NOT sound shallow and judgemental--but really, can I explain anything in a way that makes me not sound shallow and judgemental? OF COURSE NOT--so I'm just going to give you my notes:

-Pear shape

-Unfortunate jean skirt

-Biz cas fri blouse? Nonono

-Of course giant flower headband

-TOO TALL

Initially the problem with Pearshape was that she had clearly read this and then proceeded to try and make this out of this. Not so much. As you already know, we here at SUWA have strong opinions on what not to wear, but I think I could've let this go if it was just a one time offense. No. No. A hundred times NO.

Pearshape is here because not only did she show up to class TWICE committing the EXACT SAME fashion faux pas--same skirt, new lurid yellow headband. Appropriate for four-year-old child? Totally. Appropriate for you, PS? ABSOLUTELY--but because of the spectacular bullshit that apparently flows like a river from her mouth every time she opens her trap. And it is not just any bullshit, but the choiciest, grade-A bullshit you could hope to hear.

Here's a little taste: first day of class, and LB is explaining basic logic. But she tells all of us not to worry if we've never had any logic before, because this is going to be really basic, and we're all going to be just fine by the time the test rolls around. Why don't we start with an example, suggests LB, for practice. Here is a premise and here is a conclusion. Done. Right? WRONG-O. Cue Pearshape, who raises her be-bowed hand high. Clearly she has got something to say, and that something is: "Isn't that just the same as the presumed assumption of the reverse negative of the contradiction? Because clearly you need to rebut the happenstance and then negate each triple axle until the bidirectionality is depolarized. Or at least that's how I learned it."

SILENCE. WHOA. NELLY. LB is thrown. I am thrown. THE WORLD IS ROCKED. I don't remember what eventually happened because I was so shocked at having been gifted with this individual all for my very own. By the time I recovered LB was asking us questions to which the class was answering in unison. Yes. No. Facts. False. Whatever it was, everyone would answer and move on. Not so Pearshape. Every time she would get an answer wrong (read: every time she answered a question)(read: every time sound issued from her face) she would then proceed to apologize, at length, and explain what logical reasoning had led to her mistaken conclusion. "Five" "No, One" "Oh, well I thought five because when I contraposed the interdictory-" and by that time we had already moved on to the next question and the glorious cycle started all over again.

I have hobnobbed with some class A know-it-alls (see Oleg, above), but I'm betting that over the course of this course Pearshape will give them all a run for their money. And I am ON BOARD WITH THAT. Bring. It. On. Girlfriend. Smarty Pants? Check. Dressed by a tweeny bopper? Uh, CHECK. Delusional?? Checkulous to the power of check check CHECK.

And those, loyal reader(s) are your new Biffs 4 Lyfe. Will they survive? Make the grade? Is Jenna really having Jake's baby or is it all a lie?? Tune in next week to find out!