THE UNIVERSE LOVES ME

MY PEOPLE. I have so much to tell you and I don't even know where to begin.

If you have been tuning in regularly, dear reader(s), then you know that I am apprenticed at a lawberdashery, in the hopes of one day becoming a lawsmith myself. In order to aid me in my noble quest I enrolled in some extra-curricular classes. That's a thing people do, right? Right. And I'm a people, so I thought hey, Ima do this thing. I've never taken night classes before--up until now I've been kind of against the idea, all "I know how to read! I don't need one of your fancepancy classeries!"--so what I didn't realize until now was that the value of such classes lies not so much in the hard candy coating that is their ability to get me a good grade on the exam, but rather in the delicious chocolate-caramel center that is the people in the class. [EDIT: hold on now, a hard candy coating surrounding chocolate-caramel? In what kind of wackjob candy store was this class manufactured? Clearly not Wonka-grade.] Well hold on to your hats, because it's like chribirthalentines came early and I scored the 140 piece Gold Ballotin. And I am going to share every truffle and white chocolate starfish with you because that is how much you mean to me. YOU ARE WELCOME IN ADVANCE.

Aside from some legit logistical reasons (HAHA jkjk, I don't have real reasons), I picked this class because of the three that were open to me, the instructor for this one looked the least like that skinny, preppy bitch that I spent most of my college career trying awkwardly to avoid making eye contact with. That girl who was the manager of the men's crew team, and totally did Teach for America and was student government rep and just wanted to let you know that the Winter Wonderland dance was coming up and you should buy tickets because it's going to be so so amazing this year because we're going to have a chocolate fountain and PUNCH IN FACE LADY. Because the only thing I'd enjoy less than shelling out $30 for the privilege of watching you and John Jacob VanWittenheimer grope each other on the dance floor to Ignition (Remix) is shelling out $bajillion to listen to you talk legalspeak at me for four hours straight twice a week for three months in a row. No. thank you. ma'am.

The instructor for my class, on the other handle, looked like the kind of girl who maybe we wouldn't be roommates Sophomore year, but I would definitely be okay with making eye contact with her as we passed each other in front of the library. And I would probably let her use my laundry card for the dryer cycle if she ran out and was in the middle of washing everything on a Wednesday night during finals, because she just didn't have any clean socks. That's the kind of friends/barely acquaintances I decided we would be based solely on her 100x100 profile pic, and since that's exactly the depth of relationship I was looking for in my part-time instructor, I signed right up for her class. BEST CHOICE I EVER MADE.

Here are my honest to god notes from last night:

-Shenanigans?? Best idea ever

-Dogs are awesome (NOT the Jersey Shore)

-Wily

-Mathtimes!

I <3 Language - learn words!

-SMURFS!!!

-She has x-ray vision

-I am not overwhelmed, but I love you

Seriously folks, can you even imagine?? WELL CAN YOU??? Really you had me at shenanigans, and the rest was just gravy on the deliciously narcotic thanksgiving dinner that was the other 3 hours and 55 minutes. You my fine woman, can borrow my laundry card for as long as you like.

Quick side story: at the last place I worked I was cubiclemates with this amazing girl named Erin. We weren't cubicle buddies in that we shared a cubicle, but rather in that we shared a cubicle wall, which is infinitely more entertaining, because we couldn't see each other and you could only hear enough of what the other person was saying to make every conversation hillarious. One day I was sitting at my desk minding my own little business when I heard "Hey! Are you over there facilitating shenanigans??" Game, set, match, Erin. You have just won my friendship for life.

ANYHOO, as if Laundry Buddy wasn't enough to warm my heart and soothe my soul, the universe saw fit to bestow upon me IN ADDITION a room full of the most incoherent, ridunkularious, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed classmates that you could ever hope to set your pretty little eyes on. Seriously, I don't know how these kids got through the fourth grade, let alone how they are fooling themselves that they can make it through any higher education. All I know is that I have been blessed, and I am thankful. Amen.

To illustrate my point, here is an example of an actual interchange between LB and one of these crazyfaces budding attorneys:

LB: So this is the transative property. If A->B and B->C and C->D, then we know that A->D. Let's do an example: if dogs->pets and pets->happy and happy->good, then dogs->good. Any questions on that?

Student: Um yeah, I have a question. Could you write the letters on the example? Because I don't know which one is which. Like which is A and which is B and C and D?

LB: Um....(writes A above "dogs" and B above "pets")...you mean like this?

Student: Oh yeah, like that. Can you do the rest?

Were you dropped on your head as a child, sir? Cuh-learly. If this is giving you trouble, I have a feeling that no amount of night classes is going to be able to save you. Prehaps you would be better served by attending HIGH SCHOOL. And it went on like this. For four hours. Of pure, unadulterated, molten comedy gold. There is so much more to say but I think should put the Godiva box away for now so we can stretch out our delicious prize over the coming weeks, although if this is any indication of how every class is going to be I will just say that you need never worry about the blog running dry, ever, ever, ever, again. Hallelujah.